Love advice from kids.

If only we made friends as easily as when we were kids and if only love was as simple as sharing your snacks. Adulting is just too hard sometimes and there’s moments where I want to stay with Nora when I drop her off at school so I can join in.

Nora and I were watching an ad for an online dating site that popped up, interrupting our show, and she had some amazing insights that astonished me and had me questioning my past dating life in a whole new way. (If only I had consulted the Buddha-like wisdom of children instead of shelling out money for online dating and happy hour.) For instance, she observed about the commercial, “Why are they standing in that park? It looks cold and they look cold…where’s their chairs?!”

Just imagine date conversations moderated, and questions produced, by kids. It would make for the most enjoyable first dates imaginable. Far more candid, pertinent and entertaining exchanges with the guileless clarity of innocent curiosity. Here are some topics my daughter thinks people should discuss on a date inspired from watching that commercial:

“Do you like candy? What type?”
“If you like sticky ones you’re messy and shouldn’t hold hands.”
Thoughtful and practical.

“Are you a caterpillar?”
“If they say “yes” they are CRAZY.”
Simplistic genius.

“What’s your favorite color?”
“Any color is good except “yellow” then they’re wrong.”

“Do you have a clock?”
She looked at me like I was nuts and exploded in laughter.
“Then they won’t be late!”
This one elicited an eye roll, an exasperated laugh, and a head shake.

“Are your curtains gone?” (…The woman is supposed to ask this. I didn’t follow up on that one.)

“Are your vitamins still here? Did you ask your mom for them?” I must have looked apprehensive in response because she started laughing at me.

“Is your phone broken? Why didn’t you send me a picture?” Girl has standards and requires a last minute photo.
I was something on her shoe for asking about that one.
“I need to know if our clothes match.” Duh, mom, gawd…

“Is your tire flat? Why didn’t you drive? Did it get’s flat by itself?” This one had me in fits.

“Is your scarf ripped?”
“Cause it probably gets ripped on things.” I still have no idea what that one was about.

“Did you ate all the food?”
“There’s no point in talking if there’s no food.” Got me there.

“Is the beach raining? Is it raining right now?” This one almost sounded like a lead in for a bad “knock-knock” joke especially with her giggling.
“If you’re trying to be nice you’d take her to the beach.” Then it made me “aww” and I hugged her.

“Do you like rain?”
“Yes means “they like it” and no means “they don’t”.” Ah, yes, the sarcasm is strong in this Portlander.

So, just remember, if you’re having troubles in your life just retrace your steps to preschool or the kids in your life. They might not have the answers but they will certainly humble you with their observations. If anything, they might give you the best dating advice ever.

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