I like to answer my own questions, even when they’re rhetorical.

The winged movement of the protection hand comes out to aid, block, motion, and corral your children, spouse, strangers, and pets in all situations not just driving.

People walk the way they drive and shop the way they parent. I always stay to the right and put things back where I found them…most of the time.

Plastic tags on clothing were created to torture parents and small children. Do the environment and us a favor, stop.

A black light news show expose of a hotel room would look like footage of the northern light compared to the Aurora Borealis of my home.

I fantasize about uninterrupted nonsexual sleep when I’m awake and about interrupted celebrity-like sex, home disasters, and negligent to-do lists while I’m asleep.

A satisfying eating experience is one by myself, at the drive thru.

It doesn’t take me long to use the bathroom. I would just rather smell my own filth, soak my head, or floss my teeth than watch children’s shows. My shit stinks but so does Elmo.

Mommy loves your singing, just let it go. Pick a different tune, station, and decibel.

Yes, yoga pants ARE the only ones I wear anymore. Anything else alerts my children to date night.

My purse is full of emergency items for other people. I’m like a Gymboree EMT.

Sometimes I stay up late to have alone time even though I know my children are going to wake me up any minute now.

Restaurants are chosen based on the following, in this order: kid friendliness, alcohol selection, walking distance, food quality, service.

Laundry day is every day, grocery runs are weekly, and vacuuming is monthly.

My child’s face and hands are cleaner than my hair and their underwear are cleaner than my clothes. If someone, or something, smells it’s most likely me.

The night vision video of our daughter depending on the night can entertain us, enrage us, or frighten us. What is she doing?! (laughter)… IS THAT POOP?!… Why does she remind me of those kids from The Others?

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