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It was six years ago that I came across the concept of an online journal for your child. It seemed self-important, self-indulgent, pretentious, exploitative, and mostly just creepy. Then I read, I read a lot. I was pregnant and scared about the alien in me. Terrified I would die in childbirth or, worse based on… Read More 2015 in review

Hi all, If you’ve wondered where the earlier posts are (prior to 2014) be sure to go read them at the prior Kelso Kids page (Kelso Kids blogspot) or Facebook to see more of our shenanigans. Just remember, when it’s quiet and something smells funny…it’s best to wait and breath before you open that door. Who… Read More Kelso Kids is having its 5 year anniversary today!

I love the show Hannibal and find an odd humor in the dialogue as it seems to unintentionally be a political commentary on my life as a stay-at-home parent. For instance, in one scene, the character Will Graham is confiding with a murderous woman he barely knows as they sleep in stacked bunks on a… Read More 18 months and dancing

“I’m a chicken-BIRD (-WRAAAAACK)!” Imitating our hen, Marilyn. Much bemused over by our neighborhood. “No, Owen, NOOO! Get outta’ my Kool-aid.” That one is my fault. I’ve asked her before if he’s “up in her Kool-aid”. “Mama, I gotta go feed the fishes from my body!” I told her we have to flush the poop… Read More Nora-isms of July and August

He’s a climber, a dancer, a contortionist, a performance artist whose medium is half-eaten food and body fluids. Could have swore that you left a bag of chips on the back of the couch? Yeah, they’re gone. Looking for something irreplaceable, toxic, expensive, or dear to you? My apologies, it’s gone. (Amateur!). He launches himself… Read More 1.3 and 4.2

I don’t think we needed to get him this t-shirt to prove this. He waited for her to wake up without disturbing her until we mentioned dinner. Then he sat on her. Barbara Ann Kelso

“You’re not so awesome today.” Saying “no” to tv has consequences. “I love your hair, mama. It has sparklers in it like spiderwebs.” Grey hair can be cool. Who knew? “Frogs don’t “ribbit”, mama. They “rabbit”.” “My butt has a machine gun in it from supper…my tummy is full.” “Owen, I need space…Noooo-O! More…not enough…not… Read More Nora-isms of May: 4 going on 40

Our children can bind your bowels more effectively than Immodium AD in a ball of cheese with their special tag team version of stress and psychological warfare. The moment I’m focused on Nora is the second that Owen decides to scale the safety fence and try to bash his head open. Owen needs his diaper… Read More Shittus Interruptus

The forces of the universe deprive me of sleep, sex, and warm meals with these people called “children”. It must be built-in birth control or what they meant by the “rhythm method” except it has a horrible beat to try and dance to. Driving small children anywhere is like rounding up all your pets for… Read More Observation of Parenting

“My butt is a trumpet…I need to make a tuba.” “You kids sit too much.” Addressing her father and I as we sat watching the news. Me, “Nora, I love you so much you make my heart hurt.” Nora, (giggling) “Thank you…I like cheese.” “Mama, can I sleep in your bed and be your baby… Read More Nora-isms of April

Nora asked if she could have privacy. I offered to take Owen out to the front room. She corrected me, she wanted me to leave Owen and her alone in their room. I did, and watched from the video monitor while she read to him, played peekaboo, and then showed him how to jump on… Read More 1.2 and 4.1

Life is all about the three L’s:  love, learning, and laughter. If you’re the only one laughing let it be when you’re alone; otherwise, it’s at someone else’s expense and that karmic bill is greater than that chuckle. No one loves, or is loyal to, a bully. Hands are for holding, helping, and hugging –… Read More What I hope to teach our children.

These past few weeks have been particularly stressful. Not “bringing home tongue-tied newborn to temperamental toddler” stressful; more like “this job sucks but at least it’s temporary” stress plus “I really hope the pregnancy test is negative” worry. But still a large amount of suckage. It started with Nora being out of school for spring… Read More “I don’t wanna’ grow up”

According to Medicinenet.com, crepitus is defined as, “A clinical sign in medicine that is characterized by a peculiar crackling, crinkly, or grating feeling or sound under the skin, around the lungs, or in the joints…Crepitus in a joint can indicate cartilage wear in the joint space.” Does crepitus sound familiar? It should, it shares the… Read More Crepitus

I wouldn’t trust Owen alone in a padded room for fear of him breaking a bone. He manages to bloody his lip at least once a month and is a worthy candidate for a crash helmet. He crawled after Simone and got stuck in the cat door, got his foot stuck in an air vent,… Read More 1.1 and 4.0

“I’m sorry for the tantrums. I want up, mama, please.” “Ok, honey. Mama’s back hurts though so let’s sit on the couch together.” “Oh…ok!” I get her a snack, get comfortable on the couch, she climbs up on my lap with a blanket, we settle in and cuddle. Then I smell something. “Nora, did you… Read More Nora-isms of March

Nora requested strawberry cake, pizza, friends, and Kennedy movie theatre in that order. We fulfilled her wishes and surprised her with Grandma watching brother so she had us all to herself. She was delighted. My heart swelled with pride watching her excitement and gentle kindness with her friends. It’s difficult to believe that she’s my… Read More 1.1 and the big 4!

Most of you have probably heard about the Dancing Man from London that was bullied on Twitter for his weight and daring to dance in public. It sheds light once again on the topic of bullying, fat shaming, but also what our boundaries of tolerance are for teasing. What is innocent teasing and what is… Read More Bullying or teasing: What if it was your child?

I’m angry too often for my liking. Disheveled and ungroomed to be considered attractive or inspire romance as well. I resent having to share my time between kids and husband as much as they resent each other for having to share my attention. My son is to a puppy as I am to a dog’s… Read More Sharing is caring

Our baby boy is like an ill behaved puppy. Gnawing, drooling, and howling his way through the day keeping us unwaveringly vigilant in thwarting his exuberant attempts at self destruction. Never have baby gates been so useful or necessary in our house. Nora is just as dismayed as ourselves at his fearless pursuit for eating… Read More Kisses don’t have teeth

Me: What are you guys making? Nora: (holding a Lego creation) Bottles. Me: Oh, what’s in them? Nora: Spider bile. “S-O-S-P-Q spells party!” “Nothing personal, but I don’t like you.” Apparently no one is to mess with Nora’s viewing of Angelina Ballerina. What are you up to, Nora? “I’m a triangle.” Do you like the… Read More Nora-isms of February

Kisses don’t have teeth! Hugs don’t have headbutts! Hands are for helping not hurting! It’s hard to share and be patient but that’s helping and it feels good, it shows love. Let’s make some clean now that we’re done with our mess. Let’s help each other have fun. Do you want mama-time? Come snuggle and… Read More My mommy-isms: $#!+ I can’t believe I hear myself saying.

Owen is one tomorrow. Nearing 30lbs, almost a 2T, a mouthful of teeth, walking, dancing, growling, gasping and groaning like an old man, pounding his fists in the air and straining like a body builder when he’s mad or happy, and giving lamprey-esque kisses open mouth on everyone and everything. He started out in the… Read More 1 year and 3.9

“Do you want to go play in the oh-shit with me?” She meant “ocean”. “Mama, I love you soooo much… (head tilt with eye scrinch and hands clasped) can I have some milk, please?” After asking several times in the last hour and being told to eat her dinner. She wouldn’t, there was no milk… Read More Nora-isms of January

I know, I’ve become a dork. My mom status is complete along with my Pinterest account, my well worn Danskos, and wardrobe of yoga pants that haven’t seen a class in over a year. How big of a dork? Our kids have been exchanging illnesses like baseball cards and I’ve been popping supplements like a… Read More Full on dork.

http://m.today.com/news/read-fathers-touching-letter-girl-whose-sky-lantern-landed-his-1D80321890 I wish I’d had a father like this one. I’m thankful that my children do, Jamie.

So someone, a few months ago, asked what I was up to and I responded, “Wrangling children and my sanity.” They responded, “So just doing the mom thing, huh?” Obviously their own mother didn’t wrangle so well because they failed them by raising an asshole. Did I say that though? NO! Because my mother didn’t… Read More Just the mom thing

My husband dared me to write and do stand-up much like he dared me to get pregnant on our honeymoon. We have two kids now – SHOWED HIM! It didn’t happen right away though. (Any of it, because I’m stubborn and want to do things in my own time so I procrastinate so he can’t… Read More Comedy: Also known as “parenting”

It’s the 65th day of my confinement. My jailers have sticky hands and speak in screams. My pleas for help are disregarded as pretend play and I lie that I need the toilet when I need privacy. They watch me through the bars of the baby gate and remind me who’s in charge. One abuses my… Read More 11 Months and 3.8 years

“I’m NOT a reindeer, I’m a moose.” While wearing a felt antler headband with bells and tinsel. “Say, “Happy candy!”” And snapped a pretend photo of us. “Mmm, this is yummy, Papa. It tastes like mama’s!” “No silly! (giggling) You can’t be a doggie because you’re my mama.” In response to us telling her we… Read More Nora-isms of December

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt: A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 290 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people. Click here to see the… Read More 2014 in review…

Every year, I still get excited about Christmas. It inspires hope in me of the world being a better place. It’s a chance to show those you love how well you know them, remind them of how greatly you appreciate and are thankful of their love and friendship. A chance of finding and giving forgiveness… Read More Christmas Memories

I miss Nora. I miss being able to grab my purse, kid, and go. Now I’m strapping in Baby Hughie into his carrier/bin to seemingly quadruple his weight, arguing with Nora to get her out the door over the din of Owen screaming, wrangling everyone in to the car, and then savoring the few seconds… Read More Temper tantrums and other reasons why parents drink

After weeks of being cooped up with sick kids you start to understand how quarantined patients feel. When will this end? What is it like in the outside world? What have I missed? To have it coincide with the holiday season is an extra kick to the cannoli. So I thought it would be an… Read More Prized Possessions

“How was your day?” Not the first words I had expected to hear from our 3 year old at the dinner table, but they were, and I was dumbstruck. I started to respond and I was interrupted with, “Mm-hmm, oh, and what did you do today?” Then the penny dropped, this is apparently how, and… Read More 10 Months and 3.7 years

There’s that wonderful exchange in the movie Parenthood when the little boy has a bucket on his head and he’s ramming his head into a cupboard when his mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, sheepishly explains, “He likes to butt things with his head.” The uncle, Rick Moranis, snarks, “You must be so proud.” That scene… Read More 9 months and 3.6 years

“My tongue tastes good.” “My butt said “no”.” “Oh no, are you heartbroken?” “Stop it, Owen, wands is not for babies!” “I just love you every day, mama.” “It’s wonderful, mama (big dramatic gasp in response to her Princess Elsa costume). I just love it…oh my goodness!” “Dinner tastes like “no”.” “I am a precious… Read More Nora-isms from the week

How can I capture the softness of his skin? The smell of him sleeping? The gentleness of his searching touch in slumber. His cascading embrace as he tumbles towards me in open trusting adoration. The innate sense of justice in sharing his affection between our bodies and his equal indignation with his sister’s slights. His… Read More Relentless Rumination

It started at 3 a.m. Nothing good ever starts at 3 a.m. The baby woke up wanting to gab and acting as if it was time to get up. I knew this because he was chanting “mama” in my face and blowing raspberries on my breasts. This was followed by the discovery that Nora’s light… Read More No one should be awake at this hour.

Me: One episode of Daniel Tiger and then nap. Understood? Nora: Ok, mama. Me: Ok, I’m going to go put Owen down for his nap. N: Ok. (I leave the room with Owen. Nurse him, lay him down in his crib, start to leave the bedroom when the TV volume cranks up and wakes him.… Read More Is it me?

Our baby is an asshole. To quote comedian, Tom Papa, children “are the worst roommates ever” and our children are no exception. Owen wakes us at 4am to chat. And by chat I don’t mean talk at a reasonable volume and cuddle. No. He wakes up jabbering, clawing, pinching, flailing, kicking, farting, grunting, and generally… Read More 8 months and 3.5 years

I’m trying to hold onto the moments of joy and find laughter in the ones I can’t let go. There’s a vague sense of dramatic irony about the life of having small children. You sense even at your low moments that an outsider would find it amusing, and that you will as well some day,… Read More Ironic Repetition

Once upon a time I went through a horrible breakup. I felt gutted and hollow, physically in pain to the point of gasping for breath like a fish thrown from the water, he had cheated on me and thrown me out. He had broken our engagement, my heart, and left me homeless. My emotions were… Read More Numb from the brain down

Owen crawls like an alligator but fast, he likes to study your skin and use his razor nails to rip your blemishes/moles/skin tags off when you least expect it/sleeping, he talks loudly and angrily…constantly, he likes to put his head in baskets and buckets to ram things, he likes to sit facing forward on your… Read More Almost 8 months and 3 years respectively

Sibling rivalry, spouse vs children rivalry, friend rivalry, chickens vs the neighborhood; life is all about conflict and coping. I asked a fellow mother, jokingly in tone but pleading in truth, “Does it get easier?” “No,” I was thunderstruck by the harshness of her tone and directness, “It gets different, never easier.” I was hurt… Read More Does it get easier?