My mommy-isms: $#!+ I can’t believe I hear myself saying.

Kisses don’t have teeth!
Hugs don’t have headbutts!
Hands are for helping not hurting!
It’s hard to share and be patient but that’s helping and it feels good, it shows love.
Let’s make some clean now that we’re done with our mess.
Let’s help each other have fun.
Do you want mama-time? Come snuggle and get loves.
Owen, do you want to nurse? Then caaaalm.
It’s ok to touch yourself but do it when you’re alone.
Poop stays in the potty!
We use tissue to touch our nose or butt, but not the same tissue!
Where did we accident?
Stop that noise please unless you want mine.
I love your hugs just not around my throat.
Yes, my hair IS attached.
No, I don’t like you to touch me there…yes, even at the store.
That’s the mailman not your father.
That’s papa’s juice – no, you may not try it.
Planes won’t land on us, sweetheart, they just sound like they will. (Fucking Fed-Ex…)
Bees are to be watched not held.
Chicken kisses hurt.
Squirrels are fluffy rats, don’t pet them!
Mama needs a time-out in the bathroom…yes, I’m taking my phone. 

High-fives are for my hand, not my face.