The forces of the universe deprive me of sleep, sex, and warm meals with these people called “children”. It must be built-in birth control or what they meant by the “rhythm method” except it has a horrible beat to try and dance to.

Driving small children anywhere is like rounding up all your pets for a trip to the vet but messier and more expensive.

A mother has enough experience coordinating a complexity of needs, strategies, and goals that she could stage a military coup. And that’s just if she gets out the door in under an hour.

Women get asked if they’re married, have children, and what they do for a living. Men get asked what they do. Fathers get kudos from strangers for being a parent when they’re seen managing their offspring sans-mom. Whereas, moms receive judgment the moment they are observed by others and need “breaks” when they’re burnt out. Because a dad without his kids is simply a man on his own versus a mother without her children.

The moment you are relaxed and peaceful something or someone needs you. Check the video monitor, sniff the air, and listen for the tell-tale hiccup/gag sound of impending vomit.

Judging other parents is repaid by the universe with head lice and illness.

When in doubt, change the baby’s diaper.

There is no such thing as “enough” wipes or snacks to have in your bag.

Mother’s Day was created by an unmarried, childless, woman, Anna Jarvis, to honor her own mother. She grew to hate it and regretted her actions because the holiday was commercialized. This just reassures me that most of us dislike the holiday. Tell your moms you love them and show them this every day, not just today.

Happy parenting, everyone! I’m celebrating it wiping up snot.