How do you explain in a way to an almost five year old, and an almost two year old, that people are assholes without saying “assholes”? How do you ease the hurt of being stood up at your own party? How do you explain the rejection from a friend? It’s hard not to think back… Read More RSVP already, don’t be an a$$hole
Trust me, they’re all related to one another. I couldn’t sleep, my ears were itching, my throat was raw and dry, and I couldn’t get comfortable. Goddamn kid germs had taken hold. It was 1:04 a.m., I had the bed to myself so I could ostensibly “rest” but still no sleep. Two benadryl, L-Tryptophan, melatonin,… Read More Friends, cat vomit, and insomnia
Maybe it’s the SSRI toxicity scare this past summer and the subsequent weaning off of Zoloft, or maybe the fetal cells left behind by my babies, but I cry very easily now. I used to laugh in dismay at those that cried at commercials, the news, heartfelt articles about disease, children with diseases, or photos… Read More Keenly aware that this crying annoys me.
Nora was crying inconsolably after having a fight with Owen. He had just started walking at the time and was officially learning how to be a royal pain in the ass. She was a conflicted jumble of emotions. Loving her brother fiercely, desparately irritated with him, hurt to have to share our attention, pained to… Read More I have proof
She’s sleeping in our bed nested deep in the many layered covers that help me feel like a lead apron is upon me. (I felt very relaxed the first time I had an xray performed.) She’s sweaty and restless, successfully fighting off seasonal germs and bad dreams, most likely working out the stress of the… Read More New year, new tone
It was six years ago that I came across the concept of an online journal for your child. It seemed self-important, self-indulgent, pretentious, exploitative, and mostly just creepy. Then I read, I read a lot. I was pregnant and scared about the alien in me. Terrified I would die in childbirth or, worse based on… Read More 2015 in review
“What do you want to be when you’re older?” “Halloween. ” “Christmas is for presents!” “No, honey, it’s for being with people you love and spending time with them.” “Ooooh, ok, mama,” and in a whisper as I walk away, “…and cookies.” “Mama, can we watch the “Honk-ah” show?” “I’m sorry, honey, what?” “You know,… Read More Nora-isms of December
“Today will be different,” I think to myself. “Today I won’t lose my patience with them, I won’t yell or hide in the bathroom, I’ll interact whenever they want my attention and I won’t mind.” That was before I went to bed. Then it was 4am again and I was being awoken by our almost… Read More 22 months: Opposable thumbs and opinions, oh my!
Owen: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Nora: “Owen, please stop.” Owen: (silence) Nora: “Oh my, (reverent gasp) it worked.” Owen: “…………………AAAAAAAAAH!” Jamie has been out of town on a business trip. The kids were up at 3am every day asking for him. Good to know you’re missed, right? Except that Owen thinks I’m hiding him in the basement and… Read More Nora-isms of November
I hate summer. I love all the other seasons. I’ve tried to embrace it, I’ve tried to adapt, but as I near forty I’m assessing my life and discerning my spiritual truths. I can’t stand being overheated, sweating, insects being on or biting me, being blinded by bright light, the smell of cheap body products… Read More You’re such an August.
He strips all clothes off except for his shirt the moment he’s home. He builds cars, trains, and “towahs” with his Legos. He tries to snap his fingers and calls for Simone by clucking his tongue and calling her “Monie”. The crazy thing is she responds and comes to him. He feeds himself. He goes… Read More 21 months
Nora: “Dada, your eyes taste like pineapple.” Jamie: “…Thanks.” Nora: “Mama, you want a story?” “Sure, honey.” “Oh, wait, is Owen asleep? Because this is scary! There’s a dragon, a deer, and they’re walking for a LONG time…” (Damn, that is scary.) Nora: “Uh-oh, I think Owen pooped. He smells like soup.” (Note to self,… Read More Nora-isms of October
He says, “Bye-bye!” He waves as he leaves for the few hours away with a sitter. He’s smiling, Nora is cheering him on, “C’mon, Owen, let’s go!” She’s decked out in the outfit she chose, put on herself after getting herself ready in the bathroom where she asked for “privacy”, she has toothpaste on her… Read More 20 months
“Mama? The moon is coming up too early!” Bedtime is evil. Remember, you can’t spell “police” without saying “pie”. Nora: “Mama, I need the “pie” piece!” Me: “Which (Lego) piece is that?” Nora: “The one with the letters that say “pie”.” Me: (Holding up one saying “POLICE”) “Nora, do you mean this one?” Nora: “Yeah!”… Read More Nora-isms of September
There’s something about the term whackadoo that makes me smile. The first time I heard it was from a coworker who hailed from Oklahoma. She said, “Well, you know, any state that allows open containers while you drive, has drive thru bars, but tickets you for being drunk is obviously ran by whackadoos.” Amen, sister.… Read More Parenting hacks for whackadoos
An acquaintance once said to me, “It’s so good to see you haven’t lost yourself in being a mom.” (Before you ask, yes, she’s not a parent and, no, I didn’t claw her eyes out.) I merely smiled, momentarily bit my tongue, and calmly replied, “I’m still me and I’m also a mom.” She tried… Read More They’re my reason
Our drunk looking Gilligan got a clean bill of health for his 18 month wellness check. 75th percentile for weight and heigth, 98% for foot length and head circumference. (I could have told you that. Or at least my uterus could have.) My baby is a Shake Weight. You would think that it would improve… Read More Baby Shake Weight
Boys will be boys and girls will be…victims?… Read More I’m a bad girl.
Hi all, If you’ve wondered where the earlier posts are (prior to 2014) be sure to go read them at the prior Kelso Kids page (Kelso Kids blogspot) or Facebook to see more of our shenanigans. Just remember, when it’s quiet and something smells funny…it’s best to wait and breath before you open that door. Who… Read More Kelso Kids is having its 5 year anniversary today!
I love the show Hannibal and find an odd humor in the dialogue as it seems to unintentionally be a political commentary on my life as a stay-at-home parent. For instance, in one scene, the character Will Graham is confiding with a murderous woman he barely knows as they sleep in stacked bunks on a… Read More 18 months and dancing
June 2nd, 2015 We’re playing a losing game of family bingo. The object of the game is that everyone sleeps through the night without crying, soaking the bed, or causing themselves trauma or injury. Our kids really suck at this game. I’m waiting at the finish line to hug them but I’m so sleep deprived… Read More This cow goes meow.
“I don’t get to do ANYTHING, I am EVERYTHING, I DON’T LIKE it, and I – no, no, NOOO!” Three minutes later after she channeled Sam Kinnison she takes on an English accent ala’-Peppa the Pig, “Mum’a, may I have a tea party, please?” (Why, yes, sweetness and light. Of course I’ll go out of… Read More Nora-isms of June
“I’m a chicken-BIRD (-WRAAAAACK)!” Imitating our hen, Marilyn. Much bemused over by our neighborhood. “No, Owen, NOOO! Get outta’ my Kool-aid.” That one is my fault. I’ve asked her before if he’s “up in her Kool-aid”. “Mama, I gotta go feed the fishes from my body!” I told her we have to flush the poop… Read More Nora-isms of July and August
Selfies, the modern narcissists’ version of slideshow parties and vanity plates. We’re happy for you, Steve, that you went to Dubai and that Chapman Chutney III is first chair in his pan flute class but please stop with the selfie stick action sequences on your GoPro, ok? A little goes a long way when it… Read More Teddy bears and other sexual toys
He’s a climber, a dancer, a contortionist, a performance artist whose medium is half-eaten food and body fluids. Could have swore that you left a bag of chips on the back of the couch? Yeah, they’re gone. Looking for something irreplaceable, toxic, expensive, or dear to you? My apologies, it’s gone. (Amateur!). He launches himself… Read More 1.3 and 4.2
Baby care 101: 1. Don’t drop the baby. 2. Feed the baby. 3. Stay awake so you can avoid 1 and complete 2! It took me 10 months to incubate him, 72+ hours of torture to get him out, and over a year of patience to keep him from hurting himself. Wake up damn you!… Read More Baby care 101
I don’t think we needed to get him this t-shirt to prove this. He waited for her to wake up without disturbing her until we mentioned dinner. Then he sat on her. Barbara Ann Kelso
So many layers of emotion with the memory of this photo. The fact that this three day weekend has been hellish, that I’ve been struggling physically and wish I could have been drinking the entire time so I enjoyed my kids and didn’t want to run away, that I was a better mother who was… Read More Pottery Barn family
So many layers of emotion with the memory of this photo. The fact that this three day weekend has been hellish, that I’ve been struggling physically and wish I could have been drinking the entire time so I enjoyed my kids and didn’t want to run away, that I was a better mother who was… Read More Pottery Barn family
“You’re not so awesome today.” Saying “no” to tv has consequences. “I love your hair, mama. It has sparklers in it like spiderwebs.” Grey hair can be cool. Who knew? “Frogs don’t “ribbit”, mama. They “rabbit”.” “My butt has a machine gun in it from supper…my tummy is full.” “Owen, I need space…Noooo-O! More…not enough…not… Read More Nora-isms of May: 4 going on 40
Our children can bind your bowels more effectively than Immodium AD in a ball of cheese with their special tag team version of stress and psychological warfare. The moment I’m focused on Nora is the second that Owen decides to scale the safety fence and try to bash his head open. Owen needs his diaper… Read More Shittus Interruptus
I couldn’t wait to start school and be a part of the world that my siblings disappeared into every day. Being left with a babysitter was becoming embarrassing and isolating. It was akin in childhood terms of going from maximum security prison general population to solitary confinement. Safer but destructive. The babysitter was our neighbor,… Read More First out of the gate.
The forces of the universe deprive me of sleep, sex, and warm meals with these people called “children”. It must be built-in birth control or what they meant by the “rhythm method” except it has a horrible beat to try and dance to. Driving small children anywhere is like rounding up all your pets for… Read More Observation of Parenting
“My butt is a trumpet…I need to make a tuba.” “You kids sit too much.” Addressing her father and I as we sat watching the news. Me, “Nora, I love you so much you make my heart hurt.” Nora, (giggling) “Thank you…I like cheese.” “Mama, can I sleep in your bed and be your baby… Read More Nora-isms of April
Nora asked if she could have privacy. I offered to take Owen out to the front room. She corrected me, she wanted me to leave Owen and her alone in their room. I did, and watched from the video monitor while she read to him, played peekaboo, and then showed him how to jump on… Read More 1.2 and 4.1
Her hair. I remember sitting below her, holding my hands in a bowl to catch her hair as it fell in chunks from the scissors my father wielded unseen from behind her, and watching the small bits light from the sun as they disappeared onto the floor. I’d never seen anyone with her hair color… Read More My first memory
Life is all about the three L’s: love, learning, and laughter. If you’re the only one laughing let it be when you’re alone; otherwise, it’s at someone else’s expense and that karmic bill is greater than that chuckle. No one loves, or is loyal to, a bully. Hands are for holding, helping, and hugging –… Read More What I hope to teach our children.
These past few weeks have been particularly stressful. Not “bringing home tongue-tied newborn to temperamental toddler” stressful; more like “this job sucks but at least it’s temporary” stress plus “I really hope the pregnancy test is negative” worry. But still a large amount of suckage. It started with Nora being out of school for spring… Read More “I don’t wanna’ grow up”
According to Medicinenet.com, crepitus is defined as, “A clinical sign in medicine that is characterized by a peculiar crackling, crinkly, or grating feeling or sound under the skin, around the lungs, or in the joints…Crepitus in a joint can indicate cartilage wear in the joint space.” Does crepitus sound familiar? It should, it shares the… Read More Crepitus
I wouldn’t trust Owen alone in a padded room for fear of him breaking a bone. He manages to bloody his lip at least once a month and is a worthy candidate for a crash helmet. He crawled after Simone and got stuck in the cat door, got his foot stuck in an air vent,… Read More 1.1 and 4.0
“I’m sorry for the tantrums. I want up, mama, please.” “Ok, honey. Mama’s back hurts though so let’s sit on the couch together.” “Oh…ok!” I get her a snack, get comfortable on the couch, she climbs up on my lap with a blanket, we settle in and cuddle. Then I smell something. “Nora, did you… Read More Nora-isms of March
Nora requested strawberry cake, pizza, friends, and Kennedy movie theatre in that order. We fulfilled her wishes and surprised her with Grandma watching brother so she had us all to herself. She was delighted. My heart swelled with pride watching her excitement and gentle kindness with her friends. It’s difficult to believe that she’s my… Read More 1.1 and the big 4!
Most of you have probably heard about the Dancing Man from London that was bullied on Twitter for his weight and daring to dance in public. It sheds light once again on the topic of bullying, fat shaming, but also what our boundaries of tolerance are for teasing. What is innocent teasing and what is… Read More Bullying or teasing: What if it was your child?
I’m angry too often for my liking. Disheveled and ungroomed to be considered attractive or inspire romance as well. I resent having to share my time between kids and husband as much as they resent each other for having to share my attention. My son is to a puppy as I am to a dog’s… Read More Sharing is caring
Our baby boy is like an ill behaved puppy. Gnawing, drooling, and howling his way through the day keeping us unwaveringly vigilant in thwarting his exuberant attempts at self destruction. Never have baby gates been so useful or necessary in our house. Nora is just as dismayed as ourselves at his fearless pursuit for eating… Read More Kisses don’t have teeth
Me: What are you guys making? Nora: (holding a Lego creation) Bottles. Me: Oh, what’s in them? Nora: Spider bile. “S-O-S-P-Q spells party!” “Nothing personal, but I don’t like you.” Apparently no one is to mess with Nora’s viewing of Angelina Ballerina. What are you up to, Nora? “I’m a triangle.” Do you like the… Read More Nora-isms of February
Kisses don’t have teeth! Hugs don’t have headbutts! Hands are for helping not hurting! It’s hard to share and be patient but that’s helping and it feels good, it shows love. Let’s make some clean now that we’re done with our mess. Let’s help each other have fun. Do you want mama-time? Come snuggle and… Read More My mommy-isms: $#!+ I can’t believe I hear myself saying.
Owen is one tomorrow. Nearing 30lbs, almost a 2T, a mouthful of teeth, walking, dancing, growling, gasping and groaning like an old man, pounding his fists in the air and straining like a body builder when he’s mad or happy, and giving lamprey-esque kisses open mouth on everyone and everything. He started out in the… Read More 1 year and 3.9
“Do you want to go play in the oh-shit with me?” She meant “ocean”. “Mama, I love you soooo much… (head tilt with eye scrinch and hands clasped) can I have some milk, please?” After asking several times in the last hour and being told to eat her dinner. She wouldn’t, there was no milk… Read More Nora-isms of January
I know, I’ve become a dork. My mom status is complete along with my Pinterest account, my well worn Danskos, and wardrobe of yoga pants that haven’t seen a class in over a year. How big of a dork? Our kids have been exchanging illnesses like baseball cards and I’ve been popping supplements like a… Read More Full on dork.
http://m.today.com/news/read-fathers-touching-letter-girl-whose-sky-lantern-landed-his-1D80321890 I wish I’d had a father like this one. I’m thankful that my children do, Jamie.
So someone, a few months ago, asked what I was up to and I responded, “Wrangling children and my sanity.” They responded, “So just doing the mom thing, huh?” Obviously their own mother didn’t wrangle so well because they failed them by raising an asshole. Did I say that though? NO! Because my mother didn’t… Read More Just the mom thing
My husband dared me to write and do stand-up much like he dared me to get pregnant on our honeymoon. We have two kids now – SHOWED HIM! It didn’t happen right away though. (Any of it, because I’m stubborn and want to do things in my own time so I procrastinate so he can’t… Read More Comedy: Also known as “parenting”
It’s the 65th day of my confinement. My jailers have sticky hands and speak in screams. My pleas for help are disregarded as pretend play and I lie that I need the toilet when I need privacy. They watch me through the bars of the baby gate and remind me who’s in charge. One abuses my… Read More 11 Months and 3.8 years
“I’m NOT a reindeer, I’m a moose.” While wearing a felt antler headband with bells and tinsel. “Say, “Happy candy!”” And snapped a pretend photo of us. “Mmm, this is yummy, Papa. It tastes like mama’s!” “No silly! (giggling) You can’t be a doggie because you’re my mama.” In response to us telling her we… Read More Nora-isms of December
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt: A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 290 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people. Click here to see the… Read More 2014 in review…
Every year, I still get excited about Christmas. It inspires hope in me of the world being a better place. It’s a chance to show those you love how well you know them, remind them of how greatly you appreciate and are thankful of their love and friendship. A chance of finding and giving forgiveness… Read More Christmas Memories
I miss Nora. I miss being able to grab my purse, kid, and go. Now I’m strapping in Baby Hughie into his carrier/bin to seemingly quadruple his weight, arguing with Nora to get her out the door over the din of Owen screaming, wrangling everyone in to the car, and then savoring the few seconds… Read More Temper tantrums and other reasons why parents drink
After weeks of being cooped up with sick kids you start to understand how quarantined patients feel. When will this end? What is it like in the outside world? What have I missed? To have it coincide with the holiday season is an extra kick to the cannoli. So I thought it would be an… Read More Prized Possessions
“How was your day?” Not the first words I had expected to hear from our 3 year old at the dinner table, but they were, and I was dumbstruck. I started to respond and I was interrupted with, “Mm-hmm, oh, and what did you do today?” Then the penny dropped, this is apparently how, and… Read More 10 Months and 3.7 years
There’s that wonderful exchange in the movie Parenthood when the little boy has a bucket on his head and he’s ramming his head into a cupboard when his mother, played by Mary Steenburgen, sheepishly explains, “He likes to butt things with his head.” The uncle, Rick Moranis, snarks, “You must be so proud.” That scene… Read More 9 months and 3.6 years
“My tongue tastes good.” “My butt said “no”.” “Oh no, are you heartbroken?” “Stop it, Owen, wands is not for babies!” “I just love you every day, mama.” “It’s wonderful, mama (big dramatic gasp in response to her Princess Elsa costume). I just love it…oh my goodness!” “Dinner tastes like “no”.” “I am a precious… Read More Nora-isms from the week
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